God, what of the days when my heart aches worse than my greatest physical pains? Will You still be there? Will You show up to comfort me?

I don’t understand why I have to go through this, God. I KNOW Your plans are better, but it’s hard to see that in these moments. I’m hurting because I don’t know how to lead like You. I so deeply want to avoid hurting this person, but something has to be addressed (and firmly). If You were here, what would You do?

If I let this go, then it will only get worse; I know that. But if I shoot straight, I’ll hurt them more than I want. I don’t desire to harm anyone! You know this God! So, why have you put me here?

I really hate this! Disunity, lack of peace, lack of joy. Why, God? Will you please redeem this? Turn it into joy and life? You’re good; I know that! But I don’t understand why sometimes. What purpose is there in this pain?

The pain tries to divide me against myself and You. Sometimes it succeeds, and I hate that!! I want to be fully Yours, God! I need You to be my source! Please help me! Come to rescue me!

Please. I beg of You. This hurts and I’m weak. I don’t think I can bear it….

[pause]

And maybe that’s the point: to remind me to rely on You. And to re-reveal where I find my life.

Okay, God. I give up. This can’t be my battle alone. I’m not going to fight. Lead me. Clear my head of my sinful self and let me see as You do.

Be my deep well-spring: providing flowing water in dry places. Be my front guard: leading and fighting on my behalf. Be my heart: pulsing life into my body. Be Lord: the one to and from Whom all things flow. Thank You! Time to roll.

(Woah! Side thought: God, do I treat You like this person is treating me? Like You aren’t my authority when You really are? Like I lead my own life? Sobering and humbling thought… Time to ponder that one.)

(And thank You for music. That and talking with You revive my spirit more than anything. So, yeah. Thank YOU!)

Anymore, it seems like every day I have some thought that’s worth sharing. From time to time I ponder why.

Sometimes it’s out of desperation that I think and speak. Sometimes it’s out of joy. Sometimes it’s unrest. Sometimes peace.  Sometimes I speak from my own life experience. Sometimes from other’s.

My answers to what drives me to share vary by day, but there is one thing that is always is steadfast:  I speak for the glory of God. For and to the One who saved my soul and is daily redeeming the rest of me. For and to the Author of our lives and our story. For and to the I AM about whom nothing more and everything more can be said.

God, to You am I grateful! Praise to Your Name! Thank You!

See, sometimes I write things that apply to two “people” at the same time. That very much applies to what I wrote tonight:
If all I do in this life is wait on you, it will be a life well spent.

Now, this obviously applies to God, but it also is written to my future wife. Even though I don’t know if I know her yet, I already love her deeply. My heart is already given to two: God and her. Now, I hesitate when saying “the one” because I know that the idea can lead to trouble (what if, once you’re married, you somehow think that someone else is “the one”?… slippery slope). But, on the flip side, I also have no doubt that God has a good plan.

Anyway, you may be able to guess by now that this blog is where I spill my heart and tonight (and often actually) my heart is yearning for her. And the only thing I can do is take it to The One…

God, I know you’re a good God! Your timing is prefect. But sometimes my heart gets ahead of You. You’ve faithfully shown me that You have a better plan than I. But waiting is hard. You’re teaching me… Well, that You are my sustainer; daily. So, thank you God for that. Help my heart to always align with Yours. Please walk closely with me and guide my path. Thank you!

Crisises tend to polarize friendships. I say this out of recent experience and observation: they boil out the unimportant matters. As a result of that, they have great power to reveal one’s core values and, as a result of that, they either give a common purpose or reveal the lack of real connection one has.

This evening I was involved in helping my roommate and friend deal with a crisis moment. Through that “simple” event, I discovered more about their hearts; I saw the effort they put into this situation and the care that they showed. As a result, I feel like we connected more throughly than we have in the past: we were given a common goal and we, in a moment of “just move,” put aside all differences and simply focused on that.

I’m saying this because I think it’s important to understand: crisis may, on the surface, seem to be destructive, but in the end it can be very constructive. It shows us what we (and others) hold most dearly and causes us to make decisions on those preexisting foundations. I.e. If we claim we care about our friends but we don’t act to help them, then we really don’t care (and that’s obvious in those moments). But if we really, truly do care, then our actions will display that.

I guess what I could’ve boiled this post down to is: Crisises force us to remove our masks and just be; who we are and nothing more. And that, in the end, is wonderful.

God, please be with my friends who are struggling. Give them peace. You know who I mean, and I trust that You’ll show up. You are worthy, faithful, glorious God. I give You all honor and praise! Please also be the strength to those surrounding this situation. You are mighty, conqueror, deliverer. Please also be with me as I whole-heartedly desire to serve You and my brothers and sisters in this situation. Help me to remain steadfast in You so that I can be a support to them. And God, please also give strength and peace to my someday wife; if she’s ever been through this kind of stuff, she needs it. Thank you again Lord. You are wonderful! To the praise of Your name!

So, I’m going to try something a bit different for at least the next few posts. I tend to write little snippets of my thoughts and post them on Facebook, but that’s only a small portion of what I actually am thinking. So, for a little while, I’m doing to develop those thoughts in more detail here.

Todays thought? “God, someday when I have kids, help me to always hear their voices like you always hear mine.”

It saddens me to say, but what triggered this thought was seeing a dad busy watching a soccer game while one of his sons was waiting for him to just kick the ball around on the sidelines. At one point, this boy called out to his dad to no avail. He tried again, and again, but still no reply. Finally, the boy’s dad put out his hand and in essence said, “just a minute” or “I’m busy.”

Now, I know that no earthly dad can always be attentive to all of his kids at once; that’s just one of the limitations of being human. But watching that little boy, trying to connect with his father, reaching out – it broke my heart.

Then in my mind, I was that boy. I was reaching out. But not to my earthly father. To God. And He did hear my calling. He did care. He did reach out to me. Isn’t that the beauty of our relationship with God though? He’s always there and always, ALWAYS cares. Nothing can change that.

And that’s the kind of father I want to be: one who is always cares, is always there ready to listen, is always available for my children – displayed in such a way that they know that nothing, NOTHING will every change that.

Anyway, there’s my heart spill for today I pray that this post encourages you – to seek our Savior and to lead our generation with His love and grace.

Blessings,
Dan

I have no reason to fear the future, but I often do. I have no reason to doubt His plan, but I often do. I have no reason to ask why or how, but I still do. The truth of the matter is, He. Is. Faithful. I know this to be true, but for some reason, when I think about my future, I hesitate.

There is something to the idea of wanting to succeed so badly that one begins to fear. My biggest fear you ask? That’s actually an easy answer: not finding or picking the right wife. See, my greatest earthly desire is to be married – to share life with another human being, to so deeply connect that you become indistinguishable, to be one. I want to serve her, care for her, hold her, wipe her tears away, provide for her, lead the way for her, be. hers.

(Don’t get me wrong, I love the community that God had provided me while I’m single, and I am okay that God has me in this season, but God has placed in me a deep desire to be hers.)

See, sometimes I wonder, is this what Christ feels and felt for us when he sacrificed everything on the cross? He gave everything – His own life – to pursue the one(s) He loves. I know that I don’t know the half of it, but I already feel deeply for someone who I may not even know yet!

My question to self while in the waiting is: How will handle it if/when God seems to disappoint? When His timing seems to be an eternity to me? Will I wait on and trust in Him? Or will I run away?

God, teach me to wait on You – prepared only to serve those you place in my path. Let me be You to them. But please, don’t hasten in bringing her to me. You’ve given me this desire, and You know what I mean. So please, may Your plan come to be soon. Regardless, teach me to always trust you no matter the cost. You’ve proven Yourself faithful in everything, and I trust you. I love you Lord.

And to her, whoever you are: I love you and I promise that I’ll wait for you. You’re worth it.

As I was reading a devotional this morning, a thought passed through my head: is it possible to be too self-centered for God to engage you?

This is something I have been wrestling with for the past month or two. Especially as I have been a part of some discussions about modern worship music and how it is often very “me” centered.

So I had been working to train myself to be less about me and more about God; especially in my time spent with Him. I had (have) decided that I want to approach God with a mentality of my life being His.  But what I’ve come to realize is that in my striving to be less selfish, I have somewhat disconnected myself from Him.  I know that my intentions were not to do that, but I have somewhat.

The idea that I should be less about me seems to be good, right? Less about me means more about Him, and that means a closer relationship with Him, right? Well, it seems that in removing that self-focused part of me from the relationship I have unintentionally put a wall between me and God. I’ve put on a mask with the Omniscient Creator (silly idea…). So really the effect has not been me becoming closer to God and less self-oriented, but rather it’s made me become more self-focused and has disconnected me.

(Side note: isn’t it crazy how a “good” idea overall can so easily spin into bad results?)

So what’s the lesson in all of this? Well, one, it’s another reminder of my imperfection – which is good ’cause that means I still need a Savior (i.e. it’ll push me into His arms). And two, this is a reminder of how God would much rather be in a close relationship with a selfish sinner than in a distant relationship with a flawless saint. There is nothing (even self-centeredness) that can separate us from His love (See Romans 8:35 & 8:37-39). So why should we hide it from Him? He knows us better than we do anyway!

So, here’s me going back to sharing everything with God; all of it: the good, the bad, and the ugly. No more hiding. I mean, I guess I really shouldn’t have been trying to purify myself in the first place… that’s what Jesus has already done and is doing in me (Him at work, not me). I believe that He will eventually strip away those self-focused parts of me, but I see now that I first have to be willing to share those parts with Him. No more hiding.

I hope this was encouraging and/or thought provoking. I’d love to hear your thoughts! Am I crazy? Or mostly sane? What are some of the challenges you face when trying to surrender all to Jesus? How can I pray for you in your walk with Him?

Until next time, God bless you all!
Dan